In 2015, I became suicidal again. In early 2016, I started to hurt myself again. At some point, I am not sure when, but I started to disassociate and psychosis set in. I saw my brother or my uncle near my house, my kids. I followed people to make sure. I checked DS’s window at night. I was convinced at one point that DS was, in fact, not my son but rather that my brother had sent him to torment me.
I am not blaming you for how I coped with my stress, my anxiety. Those coping methods were adopted by me at an early age. 6? 7? I cannot let the stress and anxiety get to anywhere near that point again. I have worked so hard in the past how 5 years and that work is now, finally, paying off for me. In the past 7+ months, I have seen a huge change in how I think, how I act and react. I know I’m not 100%. But I have been able to do so much. And come so far.
Your decision not to talk to me anymore about the very thing that stressed me out and that my anxiety grabbed on to has great potential to harm me, my mental health. When I was suicidal, you told me I was holding our marriage hostage. I tried to explain that I was reaching out begging for help. I was doing what I was told to do by my doctor. The thought of not being there by my kid’s side and letting something happen to them was too much. Death is permanent and would I never would be able to protect them. But my mental pain was beyond what I could handle. If something happen at least I would not know about it. But my kids kept me alive. It was the only thing that kept me alive. I needed to be there for them.
The thought of me going back to that place, that dark hole of stress and anxiety-fueled pain and suffering, leaves me terrified. I cannot go back there. I won’t go back there. I refuse to live on my knees.
And…Not only can I smell the dark hole, I “see” it. I feel that presence. And I refuse to pretend I cannot feel it, that it will just get better if I just ignore it. This time, like I’ve been practicing for the last 7+ months, this time I will think, act, and react differently. AND I will protect my gain with my mental health. It’s mine.
I need compromise, no, strike that, I need collaboration. Collaborate with me, fuck compromising. It’s is so disheartening to make a suggestion and to be shut down with a refusal to problem-solve or offer any alternatives.
I have to protect my mental health at all costs because the alternative is too cost-prohibitive. I need to be here for my kids, if not physically, at least I will be a phone call away. Let’s make our life together and not one sided.
My only request will be from now on one thing only, collaborate with me.
tribesf 