Compassion Letter to Self

• Sertraline – 150mg
• Bupropion – 75mg
• Clonazepam – 0.75mg
• Brexpiprazole – 2.0mg

Dear CS,

I know you are going through a lot right now.  I know you have it in you, the strength and willpower, to not only come out of this time period healthy but better then you were before. The dissociation is real, as you are. The feeling of death will pass and “Reality” will set in. 

I understand your struggles and fears of not knowing where all the pain is coming from. The medications are working, allowing time and energy to heal from past traumas. 

Your family is hurt, but not broken. They are here for you and want to help in any way possible. Reach out to them when needed or even not needed. That is a defining characteristic of family. 

Remember to take care of yourself. Your family is better off with you here, whole, and able. Caring for yourself is not selfish, but rather necessary for everyone’s wellbeing and welfare. Do not lose sight of your journey you are on – who you are, what you are, why you are. 

Remember the time in the redwoods where you lost your humanity. Nothing existed but the present. You were beyond mindfulness. But, your existence mattered then for look at what you have accomplished and your existence matters now for look at your potential. 

Soon, sooner than you think, you will be back in the real world. Take this time, the time in the hospital, to focus on yourself and yourself-care. 

Live in your strength. 

In Love, CS

Am I Really Here

• Sertraline – 150mg
• Bupropion – 75mg
• Brexpiprazole – 2.0mg

I shared my suicide story today at group therapy. I don’t recall the details, but explained that I sometimes feel like I did not attempt but in reality I successed in the suicide.  This whole thing, my life since that time, is just me in the last seconds of life: my last breaths,my last heartbeat, the last neurons firing, the last. 

“Are you here now, C.?” asked the therapist. 

“I am,” I lied. 

In reality, I’m far off. “In reality,” ha ha. I’m not sure what, where, or when reality is. 

Day 2

• Sertraline – 150mg
• Bupropion – 75mg
• Clonazepam – 1.0mg
• Brexpiprazole – 2.0mg

Day 2 of being in the Partial Hospitalization  Program. In reality it was day 1. Was not expecting was it was. I was told repeatedly that priority was to people coming out of the hospital and I was expecting the worst. But the others all seemed so normal, well on the normal spectrum. 

The other thing was that I was expecting me to breakdown talking at some point.  But instead during group therapy someone else was talking and it caused me to dissociate. The therapist noticed right away but did not know my history. She was not sure what was going on, but was able to help me. 

It will be nice to one day not to dissociate. 

Partial Hospitalization Program

1. Sertraline – 150mg
2. Bupropion – 75mg
3. Clonazepam – 0.5mg
4. Brexpiprazole – 2.0mg

Today is the start. The worst is the history taking.  Always reliving the past without actually thinking of the past. Just an emotional feeling, unknown facts. Feeling trauma without seeing the trauma. Weird having amnesia around a lot of my childhood, dissociation side effect. As I like to call it, living the dream.  

The Confusion Continues

1. Sertraline – 150mg
2. Bupropion – 75mg
3. Clonazepam – 0.5mg
4. Brexpiprazole – 2.0mg

My Intensive Out-Patient Program was to start no later than June 10th. I got a call though and was told June 20th looked like the start date. I called last week on Friday and was told it looked more like sometime during the week of June 27th. 

Today I received a call from the psychiatrist apologizing for some miscommunication between staff and her and then she transferred me to the intake nurse. He apologized and stated they want me to start ASAP. I informed him that Thursday would be the earliest I could do because I had planned a Wednesday meeting. He then told me that my doctor also believes that IOP is not enough for me and that they are recommending a Partial Hospitalization Program. 

I’m shocked, sad, confused, hurt, and scared. 

Confusion on IOP

1. Sertraline – 150mg
2. Bupropion – 75mg
3. Clonazepam – 0.5mg
4. Brexpiprazole – 2.0mg

Since I’ve agreed to go into the Intensive Out-Patient Program for my mental disorders, I have felt so much better. To the point where I truly feel like it will be a waste of my time and money to do it. I also feel like it will put my job at risk. 

But why do I feel this way. Am I better, or am I shoving my feelings and disorders down a dark hole in my psychi?  I have only disociated once since and that was when I was telling my supervisor about my condition and me needing to take off work. 

I know my wife would say something along the lines of “over my dead body,” but ….

I do have a lot to work through and perhaps under the IOP I could heal faster than they think. 2 months is a long time, a very long time. 

The drugs seem to be really working as I have got out of the very dark well I was in not to long ago. So scary how the human mind can convince us of certain things.

So I will go into the IOP, throw my heart into it and caution to the wind in the hopes that I will be even better than I feel now and in a shorter time period. 

Oh yeah, last words: Fuck you. Fuck you to my uncle, fuck you to my brother, fuck you to my rapist friend, fuck you to the two killers I had to sit on a trial for when my wife was pregnant with my first born, fuck you to the bullies at school. Fuck you for not only putting me in the place that I can writing this blog, but also fuck you, you are not keeping me down. 

No Longer Trusted

1. Sertraline – 150mg
2. Bupropion – 75mg
3. Clonazepam – 0.5mg
4. Brexpiprazole – 2.0mg

It came out at the last therapy session that I am no longer trusted to take care of the kids. My wife is worried that I will dissociate or fall asleep on them. 

The other night I fell asleep with the kids as they were going to bed. I’m always tired after therapy, in reality I’m just wasted. Apparently my son was up for a while yelling for my wife and I, right next to him, slept right through it. 

And I understand her fears of me dissociating while taking care of them. But I can still function during bouts on Derealization.  This happens to me often: at work, at home, driving, taking a shower. Even during most bouts of Depersonalization I’m functional. But when it’s bad, I’m down for the count. It has never happened with the kids before. Honestly, I would be more scared of what I would do if I thought someone was threatening my kids. 

….like the time I kicked in a door to a car because I was in the crosswalk with them and someone blew past is almost hitting us …

That was a while ago and can’t remember if I depersonalize do or derealized during the event or not. A $1,500 mistake. 

Facts and just the Facts, Part Two

1. Sertraline – 150mg
2. Bupropion – 75mg
3. Clonazepam – 0.5mg
4. Brexpiprazole – 2.0mg

I started my blog with facts that I “knew” to be true and that led me to where I am today. After weeks of therapy, medications, breakdowns, and low points, I now know the facts ….

I know nothing at all.

I’m not even sure what I have been diagnosed with. PTSD has now been brought up.  So does this add on or was this what it was the whole time.  I don’t know.

Why am I triggered. I’m still trying to figure out what are my triggers. I know one, I think, is when my wife critizes me. I think it’s not just any criticizing, but I am not sure exactly what it is. I don’t know.

I also know when I feel my family is threaten I am triggered. And right now my subconscious believes it is my wife that is “threatening” my family by introducing or wanting to introduce men into our lives.  I know this is just my mind and not reality.  I don’t know.

Talk of child abuse, especially questioning my childhood. I know that they are just curious or want to know more information but I immediately take it that they don’t believe me. I don’t know

I know that my brother was abused as a child, but that is not a trigger. My uncle is though, I think. Or at least his effect on my family. I don’t know.

I’ve lost touch with reality and my quest seem much further than I originally thought. But … I don’t know.