Time

• Sertaline – 100 mg
• Fumarate – 25 mg
• Bupropion – 150 mg
• THC – 5 mg

15,594 day alive? Not sure if I’m actually “alive,” though. I woke up and noticed that I have no idea how I got to where I am…a husband, a father to 2, in an open marriage, a biologist, everything seems like it was chosen for me, I had no say, or really that everything was presented to me and by not saying anything, it’s what happened. I am alone, desperate, acting without thinking. Hurt, and scared, and not me. There is no end. I am a burden on those I love and am sure that they wish the pain would just end. My son has told me many times that he would be better if I was not around. And I am sure that my wife wished that I would shape up or ship out. I am worried for my daughter…no one protects her, she is suffering and I don’t know what to do. I love them all, but life has been hard. I do not what to be a burden…

She does not want me to touch her, she has no want to touch me. Yet, she wants to touch others…just not me. I am a burden and I don’t want that on anyone. How do I reverse me being a burden? How do I give myself up and become okay with what life has to offer instead of striving for something that will not come to pass.

I do not wish to kill myself, but I welcome death right now…I long for an “Act of God,” or a “Act of War.” I wish to thank death for allowing my kids and wife to move on from me. I am a burden and need to change that. But how? I am scared, I am anxious. I need to change me, but how? I am no longer good…have I even been good? My mission has always never be a burden, but that is exactly what I became. I don’t want to kill myself, so I must change and no longer be a burden. But that means become a shell of myself. Pretend everything is okay, especially around my wife. She does not want to hear of my struggles, so I must be strong and pretend that everything is okay.

My doctor left the US and now I am doctor-less, at least for now. I have an intake appointment at the end of the month. WHat do I tell him? My thought is to say, “your job is to keep me alive for my daughter.” They will not be able to change my life circumstances, will not be able to help my relationships. Just keep me alive until my daughter is safe.

I have needs and they are not being met and I don’t see them ever being met where life has settled down. I deleted all social media account, dating apps, etc. The poly-life my wife wants is not for me. It’s detrimental in that what she wants me to have through others, I only want from her. I want, need, require her touch, her love. But she does no want my touch and yet wants and yearns others. What do I do?

I so wish there was a drug that I could take. with the following effects: bliss, relaxation, no worries, know that everything will be okay.

I do not want to die, but I do not want to live the life I have. I don’t want my daughter to be scared, I do not want my son to suffer as he does, I do not want my wife to resent me. How do I change and be okay with my life? How do I accept my reality? How do I breathe in and breath out? How do I blend in and not become?

I have Complex PTSD, DDD, anxiety. They own me in every way. In reality, I am sure, that C-PTSD, DDD, anxiety actually have me. I am weaving in and out to dodge them with no luck so far. How I wish that I was successful in high school when I tried to complete my wish, or maybe three years ago when almost drove off the road into a ravine. This, my life, would have come to a end and that few last years would be pain free. I actually wish for derealization right now. That thought I have once in a while that I have already died and what is happening now is just a the “flash” prior to death.

“The only way out is through one’s own death” – Me, age 16