Looking Inward

1. Sertraline – 150mg per day
2. Bupropion – 75mg per day
3. Clonazepam – 0.5mg per day

When I started my blog, I listed 6 facts to set the foundation of my “Quest to Sanity.” I set the tone to these facts as negative, as issues that are contributing to my decline in mental health. 

I realize now that, in fact, this was unfair. I had, and still have, obsessive thoughts, and some are quite intrusive. Things in my mind had started unraveling long ago; fixating on thoughts, on processes, on grand ideas.

In August (?), my obsessive thoughts fixated on my conversation, with my wife, many moon before about an open marriage. It became a dark road and by November, I was a near a breaking point. The obsession turned intensely intrusive in January. 

My mind was going to fixate, to obsess, intrude on something, and it could of been anything, but it choose “Fact #5,” the open marriage.  On a “rational” level I agree with my wife on the concept of an open marriage. But my emotional mind, additional men in our lives was/is beyond threatening to me.  I am not trigger by the thought of other women. 

  I need to stop the fixationing on finding an external reason for my decline in mental health. Stop the blame, look inward and see the peace. 

What I’m looking for is not outside of me, it is all on my mind.